My girls are watching a movie right now with popcorn and juice (a rare event in this house), and they are content and happy. They're sitting in a pile of blankets on a comfy couch. This is what makes me happy now: my girls being happy. I'm just sitting upstairs, doing nothing, but I'm happy because they've got popcorn and a movie. I never realized how much a mom's state-of-mind depends on her children.
My girls are my life. Literally. My life revolves around kindergarten, gymnastics, dance, story times, and tickle-fests in the living room. It may sound pathetic (and it is), but I have no life outside of being a mommy.
I love just being with my girls. I love planning activities that revolve around their interests. I've been told that I need to get out without my kids more often, but I so rarely want to. It's funny because as a teenager, I hated little kids. I hated babysitting. I never thought I'd be a good mom at all. But strangely enough, this "career" has been my best fit yet. I'm good at what I do. And I love it.
There are times, though, that I think about the future and I get so overwhelmed. What will I do after they start going to school full time? I've never had a job I've loved as much as raising my girls. Yet I don't want more children. Will I always look back on these precious few years and miss them? Will I always regret not appreciating it more? Will I have a third child just to make it last longer (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T LET ME DO THAT!!!).
I used to think that my life was put on hold for the time I'm raising my girls. I always pictured it as an interruption, only to continue on once the girls get to school. Now I'm afraid that this is the only real part of my life, that it's the other part that's an interruption (other than glorious wealthy retirement.....if at all possible). I've defined myself as a mom and can't seem to figure out anymore what else I am. I'm happy as a mom, but what does that mean for me three years down the road when K's in first grade?
What do you go on to do, once those sweet early years are over? The thing I was best at is nearing an end...I know I'll always be a mom, but it is different when they're gone from 8-4.
For now, my girls are happily watching The Jungle Book with their juice and popcorn. They've got their whole life ahead of them. And they're happy. So I am, too....for now.
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I think it's totally natural that you feel this way because your girls are awesome! You just got lucky and have great kids, seriously! :) Don't worry about what you are going to do later, you'll figure it out, and you still have a lot of great things coming.
ReplyDelete:) Lauren
Carrie! Love the blog. Super cute. :)
ReplyDeleteFor the very reasons that you expressed, we are going to be homeschooling. I definitely don't see it as a black and white issue, but for me, I am going to do it so I can BE with my kids. Not to protect them or shelter them, but to BE with them. It's only been considered "normal" for about 70 years (since public schools became the norm) for people to send their kids off to someone else to be influenced and taught for the best part of their day. And look at our society....the schools are doing a bang up job. I never saw myself as the homeschooling mom, but I'm going to do it, and hopefully catch a few more glimpses of these precious little lives as they grow and learn and experience life. And with Matt as their dad I don't have to worry about them not learning math and other nerdy stuff :)
Being a mom is such a gift from God. Right now Cameron is getting ready for blast off and Molly is trying to wear my shoe on her head. :)
Linds
I have to hear more about your homeschooling decision!!
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